Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
