I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
