I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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