put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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