I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
