My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize