I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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