If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
