I think my vagina is haunted
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
