I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
