i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
