i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
