i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
