the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
