Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
