I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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