That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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