No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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