Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
