How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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