my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
