yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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