We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
