Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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