You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
