i was born a porn star she said
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
