somebody snuck up and got me drunk
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
