She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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