All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
