Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think my fart just growled at me.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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