at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
