it's too hot outside to masturbate.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
