Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
