My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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