It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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