you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
