Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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