Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize