If i come over, it means nothing
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
