i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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