this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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