Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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