is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
