I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize