You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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