Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
