Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
