I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
