Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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