I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Randomize