4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
