We should be called the Road Head Warriors
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
