I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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