i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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