you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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