I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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