No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
