It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
