His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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