shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize