get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
