Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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