I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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