What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So much Jack, so little girl.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
